If I'm Offended by What You Say, That's My Problem, Not Yours
If I'm Offended by What You Say, That's My Problem, Not Yours
Offence is like a hot coal—the longer you hold onto it, the more it burns you. It’s a simple truth, yet few people want to own it: If I’m offended by what you say, that’s my problem, not yours. I’m responsible for what happens inside my skin - not you. Any attempt by anyone to put their experience of offence on someone else shows a lack of understanding of how the ‘offence’ occurs and how we interact with the world.
In a world where outrage seems to be everyone’s favourite pastime, this idea might sound contrarian. But when you look closer, you’ll see it’s not only liberating but also deeply practical. Taking responsibility for your reaction to offence is at the heart of personal freedom. It’s about understanding why you feel offended, using that moment to break free from habitual patterns, and reclaiming your equanimity.
This perspective draws on everything from Carl Jung’s shadow work to Buddhist teachings on impermanence, Alan Watts’ playful wisdom, and David Hawkins’ Map of Consciousness. Most importantly, it’s rooted in the principles of Mindset Mastery, where simple yet powerful methodologies help you transform offence into compassion and curiosity.
Why Offence is Your Problem - The Sensory-Body Feedback Loop:
When someone offends you, the natural reaction is to blame them for your emotional turmoil. But Mindset Mastery shows us that offence is not about what was said; it’s about how you process it internally. Enter the Sensory-Body Feedback Loop. The steps in the SBFL are:
Cognising: Your senses pick up the offending words (e.g., you hear what’s said).
Recognising: Your brain understands and interprets the words.
Assessing: The brain assesses the words to determine what it thinks of those words.
Sensation: The brain then generates a signal in the body to let it know what is happening and preparing it to act. If you feel offence at what has been said then you may feel it as tension in your chest, heat in your face, or a knot in your stomach.
Reaction: The body then reacts to the sensation that it receives from the brain. In broad terms, the reaction will be to either move towards or away from the sensory input at the cognising stage.
Here’s the kicker: the words didn’t cause the reaction of offence. Your brain assessed it as undesirable and sent a sensation to the body so it knew what it was thinking. The sensation in your body is simply a reaction to your brain’s assessment of the event. Most people blame the trigger (the person or words), but the real explanation lies in the sensation and your subsequent reaction to it.
Carl Jung - Offence and the Shadow: A Chance for Integration
As Carl Jung put it, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” The repeated offence you feel at the same kinds of remarks? That’s unconscious programming asking to be noticed, understood, and deactivated.
Carl Jung’s concept of the shadow offers an answer to why somethings offend us more than others. The shadow represents the hidden, unaccepted parts of ourselves—the qualities we’ve suppressed or denied.
When someone offends you, they’re often shining a light on your shadow. The colleague whose arrogance triggers you might be reflecting a trait you haven’t acknowledged in yourself. The friend’s flippant comment might poke at an insecurity you’ve buried.
Offence, then, is a signal. It says, “Look here. There’s something unresolved within you.” The problem isn’t the trigger—it’s your reaction to the sensation it creates.
As outlined in Mindset Mastery, the way to deactivate these sensations is to simply observe them without reacting. Don’t label, own, or judge them. Don’t explain or justify them. Just let the sensation run its course. This is how you integrate the shadow and reclaim your equanimity.
To borrow from Jung again: “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”
The Buddha and Impermanence: Offence Will Pass (If You Let It)
The Buddha taught that suffering arises from craving and aversion. Craving is wanting more of what feels good; aversion is pushing away what feels bad. Offence is a classic case of aversion—you dislike the sensation it creates, so you react.
But the Buddha also revealed the antidote: impermanence. All sensations, even the discomfort of offence, are temporary. If you don’t react, they will pass.
This is where the methodology of Mindset Mastery becomes invaluable. By observing the sensations that arise when you’re offended, and choosing not to react, you allow them to deactivate naturally. The more you practise this, the less power offence has over you.
Alan Watts puts it beautifully: “You’re under no obligation to be the same person you were five minutes ago.” The sensation of offence is fleeting. Don’t let it define you—or your day.
Elevating Your Response: The Map of Consciousness
David Hawkins’ Map of Consciousness helps us understand offence in terms of energy. The map categorises emotional states on a scale from 0 to 1000:
Below 200: Destructive energy (e.g., shame, anger, pride).
Above 200: Constructive energy (e.g., courage, acceptance, love).
Offence typically stems from lower levels of consciousness, particularly pride (“How dare they!”) and anger (“They’re wrong!”). The key is to shift your response to higher levels of consciousness:
Courage (200): “This is uncomfortable, but I can handle it.”
Acceptance (350): “They’re entitled to their opinion, and I’m entitled to my peace.”
Love (500): “I see them with compassion, even if I disagree.”
When you let go of pride and anger, you free yourself. You stop outsourcing your peace to others and reclaim the power to choose your response.
Practical Steps to Master Offence
If you want to let go of what offends you, here’s a step-by-step guide rooted in Mindset Mastery:
1. Notice the Sensation: Where do you feel it? What does it feel like?
2. Apply the Six Don’ts:
Don’t label it (e.g offensive).
Don’t own it (“this is just how I am”).
Don’t judge it (good or bad).
Don’t fight it.
Don’t justify it.
Don’t explain it.
3. Observe: Allow the sensation to rise and fall. Remember, it’s impermanent.
Own Your Reaction, Reclaim Your Freedom
At the end of the day, being offended is a choice. It’s your reaction to a sensation in your body—a sensation you can observe, process, and release.
When you stop blaming others for your offence, you reclaim your power. You integrate the shadow, transcend lower states of consciousness, and embrace the impermanence of all sensations. You live with freedom, clarity, and peace.
So next time you feel offended, remember: If I’m offended by what you say, that’s my problem, not yours. And in that problem lies the opportunity for profound growth.
